Regret
Regret is debilitating
and yet
I live every day
with regret.
Was I the one to blame?
Was I the one who didn't care?
I remember once, I fell,
struck my head against and old stone wall.
With blood spurting,
I was spanked
before being taken to the doctor,
I told her once I didn't love her,
never told her that I did.
She died alone,
with strangers,
while I was off tending my own whims
and pleasures.
For as long as I remember,
we never got along,
always fought or argued--
Yet there were times
when she did for me,
showed a love she could not voice
in any other way.
We never hugged,
were never friends.
She was my mother.
Was it me?
Was I so bad a kid?
So why do I feel so guilty,
all the time,
so guilty?
Vi
©June 4, 2005
posted by Vi Jones @ 8:21 AM
6 comments
The 
6 Comments:
Darling Vi - this is so brave and very beautiful. I am sitting here sobbing with tears falling on my fingers, on my keyboard. I know how much good it does to say this. Sometimes words heal, sometimes they wound, sometimes they are warm, but not enough to soak away a long, long ice. Here come words anyway. You did nothing wrong. You were innocent. Always. Your mother didn't know how to be a mother. It is a tragedy, but it happens. The fault was never yours. Never. And the guilt . . . guilt is like rust, it corrodes and eats away at things and causes moving parts to rust shut, immobile.
I will bring a big sponge. A special sponge that is grown only in Lemuria. With it we will soak up all that guilt . . . it was never yours, you shouldn’t have it. We will soak it ALL up into the sponge until it is completely gone from you and you are free. Then we will take the sponge . . . we won’t burn it, we could never burn it. We will throw it in the sea. There the Great Mother, Tethys, Yemaya, Benzaiten, Amphitrite, Mari, Sedna . . . she of many sea names, will wash it clean until it is no more.
These Dreams, With Love . . .
We are all so fragile and the guilt of humankind sits on our shoulders, the mother who could not find the right moment for her child you have told us so clearly was as much the victim as her little one.
I too have had my problems with the dark side of the moon -- it seems were are not as alone as we thought -- the collective web. These writings are warm stones to heal the ice.
I have a wonderful image of Atlas carrying the world on his shoulders. Like you I carried a heavy load from a very early age and sometimes the weight has seemed too great. Your writing is like a beacon, reminding me that to carry a heavy load is a part of being human.
Thank you all for your kind thoughts. This knapsack filled with guilt is a heavy burden. I want so much to put it down but I don't want to lay blame. My mother did what she felt was right in her time.
Vi
Oh Vi...
I can identify with your feelings.
Those who think "time heals all wounds" have never been abused by a parent. From my own experience, I've learned that the process (and it is a process) of forgiving those who harmed me, as well as forgiving myself for my own wrongdoings.....is a most soothing balm. Forgiving is powerful medicine capable of eradicating both guilt and regret.
Featherstone Woman
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